she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
