We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
