I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
