For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
