Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
