Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
