There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
