if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
