My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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