loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
NoShamevember. You game?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
