he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
