For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
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