she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
