this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
