he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
