In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
