this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
