It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I need moral support for this bender
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
