I saw his package. It spoke to me.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Oh god it's open bar.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
