what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
