just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Small penises have feelings too.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
