my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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