I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
