dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
