you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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