I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
