Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Randomize
