I faked an abortion last night.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Randomize
