I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
