and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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