Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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