I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
