I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
