my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
