Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Randomize
