I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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