How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
