I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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