Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Randomize
