you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
