i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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