someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Randomize
