I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
