Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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