What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
