just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
