he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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