I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
