you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I've blown a few things in my day
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
