I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
